‘Sure look at ya holding on for dear life…’
Dads are funny creatures.
We’ve missed our roundabout exit and nearly rear ended another car and dad has started laughing hysterically. Maybe it’s to laugh off the ‘senior moment’ he’s just had or maybe he too has just realised he’s wearing his reading glasses instead of his driving glasses. He has more different types of glasses than the Specsavers Spring / Summer catalogue. I shouldn’t laugh, based on looking at photographs of him from yesteryear and watching too much Discovery Channel it’s apparent I’m going to turn out exactly like him. Exactly.
He’s hunched up close to the steering wheel and squinting now. I have unconsciously started using my brake foot on the passenger side.
But age isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It should be celebrated. Plus it’s about to get me 10% off a Kingston Patio table and chairs on Seniors Day in Woodies so I can’t really complain.
‘Play it easy, I will pretend I am buying it for me…’ As if we were about to knock off the place Tiger-Kidnapping Style.
‘I don’t think they care to be honest who buys it, once you produce and old fart like yourself they give you the discount…’
‘No no give me your money’ I think he just wants to talk to the blonde girl behind the counter.
I reach into my pocket and pull out the Laser card and I immediately know this won’t sit well. Cash cards and dad don’t mix. They’re the devils work. I remember we travelled all the way to Dundalk as a young family of a Sunday about 15 years ago. Now there were no motorways as there are now, so this was a big deal and a full days trip. What was an even bigger deal was dad had brought with him his brand spanking new ATM card but what he had neglected to bring, although he claims the machine was at error, was his PIN number. So all we could really manage was look at Oliver Plunketts head for an hour before all 7 of us were corralled back into the Ford Sierra and set off on the lengthy trip back home. To date he has never used an ATM since.
‘My PIN is 8181, 8-1-8-1 ok? Do you want me to write it down for you?’ I say while passing him the card
‘Nonsense…’ he says in a dismissive manner, I don’t know if this statement is directed at the fact that he has to use a cash card or at me for repeating my PIN in a slow and clear manner…
There’s a guy ahead of us in the queue arguing about the price of some crysanthiam bulbs he wants to buy but judging by the look of him even if he planted them last month I doubt he’ll see the finished product. The girl on the desk is mid forties, blonde and a dead ringer for one of the lesser looking Baldwin brothers and she has a black tooth.
Dad is rehearsing the pin number in a soft whisper over and over.
‘Howya chicken’ he exclaims, and you can tell by her face she is praying this isn’t about the price of crysanthiams… ‘Myself and the lesser looking fella are having a barbeque at the weekend and we wanted to know if you want to come along’
She’s gone a little red but starts smiling.
‘Jaysis there’s an offer but I’ll be in work I’m afraid’ she says looking around seeing if anyone heard her being propositioned.
This carry on isn’t new, but it never stops getting embarrassing.
‘We’re here for the Kingston table set you have out front please and thank you..’
She’s gone to the phone to get someone to bring it from the stock room. I take the moment to repeat the PIN number discreetly into his shell.
‘He’ll have that up for collection now in a moment…I hope you get the weather now for that…’ She’s taken control of the conversation now, possibly to stop him from inviting her to any other family functions.
‘That will be 150.00 euro please…’
Dad has done the fake shuffle to look for his wallet WITH my laser card still clearly in full view in his hand. He does the aul, produce it out of the pocket trick,
‘There we are now chicken…’ and he gives her the card but he doesn’t let go when she goes to take it. She looks at his face now to see what the problem is ‘eh you wouldn’t knock the aul’ discount on that, don’t shame me by askin’ for ID, to tell you the truth if he see’s what year I was really born the game will be up on the aul adoption, ya know yourself’
She’s not sure whether he’s serious or not and is looking for any hint of resemblance between the two of us. He winks at her, waiting and she nods with another smile….
‘Certainly, no problem Mr. Kenealy…if you just want to input your PIN there and hit the green button’
Dads hands have stayed in his pockets. He’s acting like this wasn’t going to happen and I know he’s forgotten the PIN and he’s all flustered now.
‘Eh yeah no problem…’ He starts fumbling around like he’s looking for something in his jacket pocket.
I leave him cook for a few seconds, enjoying the show. I walk up to him to offer my assistance….
‘Dad have you….’
‘OH! EIGHTY ONE EIGHTY ONE!!’ he shouts, proud as punch like he just called out a winning line at bingo. People from the other registers looking over now….
Black-Tooth just looks a bit shocked. He pushes the pin-pad back across the counter to her without inputting the PIN. This is the same man who bought me a personal little shredder machine after Joe Duffy had declared on the radio that people were snooping through your green bin to find out your most personal of details, such as your, let’s say, PIN!
‘Eighty one and eh Eighty one…’ she punches in the PIN while looking at me, I just shrug back in a manner that says ‘I only borrowed him, I’m not responsible…’
I load up the set into the back of the car and he’s hopped straight into the drivers side, probably to avoid the whole ‘eh do you want me to drive’ statement rather than question.
We’re driving around another roundabout for a second time as he has missed his exit again while I figure out was this all worth 10% off 150 quid while he interrupts my thinking..
‘If you hadn’t embarrassed me in the shop like that you would’ve been in there like swimwear with that babe…’ he says while laughing…
Christ his eye sight must be that bad.
‘…and not a word to your mother about the roundabouts…’
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